2020 Struggles in Graduate School

It’s time that we have a real conversation about graduate school struggles, I was a second year graduate student in the middle of COVID season and it sucked! I’d already gone through so much emotionally (prior to COVID); The feeling of not belonging was truly weighing heavy on me and now that COVID had become real, anxiety came with a force. Now that we are in this COVID mess, normalcy was taken away from me, and all I would do is wake up every day, sit on my bed, look out the window having feeling of doubts, lot of insomnia, so much anxiety and I just couldn't focus. What can a second year graduate student do in the middle of COVID while being active in grad school? Nothing. I couldn't do anything.

One of the best habits I've had prior to COVID was that I work out consistently (thank God for that). It helped tremendously with maintain a little bit of normalcy in my life. My first 2 years of graduate school was so emotionally challenging that when COVID lockdown happened, I was surprised that I could still emotionally function.

Now, as my fourth year PhD candidate, I'm convinced that my resilience maybe due to on my super powers; everyday ('till now), I decide to have a good day. I make a decision every morning that, today will be a good day.

What does my day looked like? Well, normally, my day start with a nice stretch after I wake up, following my daily 6am workout, I drink coffee and I go about my day in the lab doing experiments and attending meetings with a smile on my face. Basically, I be nice to others and myself spreading positive thoughts.

However, there are days when I feel like the decision of going back to grad school, was the worst decision I've ever made. Somedays I think about how I spent nearly 6 years after undergrad life wishing that I was where I am now only to find out that it not what it’s cracked up to be. I thought graduate school would be hard , but the emotional burden combined with the imposter syndrome was a new level, danm! I even had to transition to a new lab, in the hope of finding a more supportive mentor/PI, a safer environment against racial bias, and a lab environment that would support my intellectual growth. Best decision I've made in graduate school was changing lab and finding a mentor. Although I genuinely believed in my former PI mentoring styles (in the beginning), it turns out that he did not understand the reality of my struggles, dismissed my concerns and overall, disappointed me, and truthfully the most hurtful part of it all is that he didn’t think that I was worth his time and patience. Peace! I transition to my now current lab with Dr. Gregg Stanwood, in no time.

What could I have done better? Nothing. Life had to go on, I didn't want to wallow in negativity. I am very persistent, always have been always will be. No lie, it was HARD, so HARD to move on and get back up, especially since my imposter syndrome was so real, but here we are now, still becoming: a fourth year PhD candidate and counting.

I'm not done yet. I am still becoming but this time also inspiring others. This time I want to use my journey to inspire, its important to me. I am an unique person with relatable experiences , I am a STEM advocate and passionate about minority in STEM; I am a STEM teacher and a STEM student; I am a STEM mentor and a STEM mentee; I could motivate, befriend and coach your STEM aspirations. Either way, you will find guidance and a dose of truth and authenticity in my blog.